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Monday, April 6, 2009

Two Cents Please! Infidelity

It's time to share some two cents. Go ahead and give away some FREE two cents or ask for some and link up. For a complete list of details and Two Cents FAQ just Click Here

Is there some fine print in marriage that I have missed? I checked our marriage license to make sure I wasn't missing a catch in the marriage lifetime warranty similar to the factory warranty on our Honda....
(Covered for life OR 36,000 miles OR twelve stretch marks OR 20+ pounds OR ten wrinkles... whichever comes first)

There are several strong, wonderful and beautiful women in my life that have been reduced to rubble by infidelity. I have watched every single one of them no matter how intelligent they are go through a "fix it" phase. This is where they shoulder the burden and blame for their spouse's affair and begin hoop jumping for their husband. They try to will themselves happily married. I am there for them. If they ask I will even hold the hoop. I will take them shopping for "husband keeping" lingerie or plan a romantic evening. However, it's frustrating to see someone you adore spend time and energy on someone who doesn't deserve it. It is hard to cheer them on when I just want to take their husband deep sea fishing and use him as bait. Sometimes I wonder if I am even being a good friend by "listening" and being supportive. These are women who I respect with all my heart. What can I do? I feel like I am letting them down. I know there is nothing I can do to make the pain go away. I know it isn't mine to fix but I want to help. I try to be there. I offer arsenic once and let them know that a shovel is only a phone call away. After that I just try to hold that hoop steady as long as they need me to. My arms are getting tired.

I understand that relationships are very private and personal so please feel free to share your experience in the privacy of the comment box if you feel more comfortable there. I will leave the post open for anonymous comments for today. What do you wish a friend had done for you? Could anyone have done anything to make a horrible situation easier? Is just being there enough?

Two Cents will now be the FIRST Tuesday of every month. Next month's topic is friendship but you can give your two cents on any topic you please as long as it's free!
If you are new here please know that I am always at least half serious. If any husbands have gone missing in your area please don't call America's Most Wanted and report me.... yet. None of my friends have ever taken me up on a deep sea fishing trip and their unfaithful men have better sense than to eat anything I cook.


Krystyn @ Really, Are You Serious? said...

I don't think I could go through that. I could never trust again...of course, I've never been in those shoes!

I think once a cheater, always a cheater.

But, I don't know what I would do for a friend, either. I think you have to support their decision...but also give you opinion (to be a real friend).

Rachel said...

Great post. Love the deep sea fishing bate. Awesome! I know how you feel. I think as friends we do need to support the decisions that are being made, though I would share your/my heart once, first. Here's what I think, BUT - I will support whatever choice you make. I believe that is true friendship. It's hard, but doing the right thing usually is, right?

Mary Teresa said...

My now husband cheated once. It was his bad. Not mine. He knows without a doubt that I forgave him, but I won't put up with it again and if it does happen I walk. No questions asked.

That being said, I know that some woman do feel guilty about it "what could I have done better." It puts their friends and close family in that awkward position of do I shake them and tell them that their spouse is a butt, or support the effort to reclaim straying spouse?

In my opinion if you're man/woman enough to go to someone else you'd better be man/woman enough to be honest with your significant other about it or there is no sympathy and no excuse.

Amy said...

What a great post. Marriage is hard topic. I think it takes a lot of work on both parts. If you take the time to find the right person then you should not have the big problems of wanting to find someone else Right? Have a great day. I am having a Round Robin on Friday April 10th if you want to show of some of your picture taking skills.

M said...

That is a GREAT post! Something I wish I had read a year ago.

I guess I never looked at it from my friend's side. I was too wrapped up in the guilt plus losing weight/throwing myself at him/all around stupidity that was my life until I woke up.

You ARE being a good friend. No matter what you say, until they see it for themselves, they won't believe it.

It's like women have to beat themselves up so much, before they finally see that it's not thier fault.

Amy said...

Too Funny. I am with you on this. I don't know what is about woman and there cheating men. I think that they just feel guilty or something, even though they shouldn't! I know that if my husband did that to me - I would be out of there, gone! Bye Bye! No man is worth making your feel that way! I just wish those woman could understand that there is better out there for them that a marriage doesn't have to be like that. That they are worthy of happily ever after!

Amy said...

I love this concept of Two Cents. I may have to write up something and have it up by tomorrow to link up to you. 'Cause I have LOTS to say about this marriage stuff!!

The Farmers Wife said...

Man, what a topic. I know that if I found out hubs cheated, like one night stand with some skank, I would be pissed as all crap. I think eventually I could get over it but wouldnt let him out alone again. Thats just the price to pay for that. Hubs and I have been through a lot, much more than most couples, none of which involve infidelity. I think if hubs had an emotional relationship I would be more hurt and probably cut my losses. I think there is a difference between the two.

It sounds strange, but Hubster and I have a standing agreement. Should he want out of this union, he would move away and become a hermit. (his choice, not mine) I always joke that this marriage is like a gang, only one way out. It is all in humor though. I think we have a good understanding of one another and know that should it get bad that we would have to do something immediately.

Faced with actually going through it though, i have no idea what I would do.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't imagine ever being in that situation and for myself, I wouldn't be able to stick around so the other woman had better been worth it! I know the couple of women that have been in this situation that did stay for awhile, eventually came to their senses and left. The best thing to do for them is to be there for them, you don't have to agree with it, but you also don't want to push them so much with leaving is best that you end up pushing them away and they don't have anyone to help them through. Some people are able to get through it but if the guy is blaming the wife, then I would hope they don't!

I've also had someone very close to me cheat on her husband. I found out about it and it wasn't my secret to share, but I let her know how disappointed I was about but I was still there for her. She did have an awful husband (I saw first hand, not heresay) and they were young and stupid. Years later when she finally told her husband, she didn't blame him but he did understand that he wasn't a good guy then and it did have something to do with her looking elsewhere. They are still together 18 years later, sometimes trust issues enter the relationship though and that would make me crazy!

Just keep being a good friend, don't agree with them, but help to build up their esteem and they will make the decision that is eventually best for them!

Unknown said...

I have never been cheated on! We have been together for 15 years and married for 14 -- my husband is my best friend. We do everything together we don't like being apart. We don't fight or fuss never really have. We agree on almost everything. If not we find a way to talk it out.

Loved your post!

sassy stephanie said...

Keep offering the arsenic and shovel. I think it's all you can do. Just be there for them.

Queenie Jeannie said...

I think cheating is just WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!! If you are that unhappy/disatisfied then move along already. Being dumped is alot easier to take than being cheated on first!

Mary Teresa said...

A day late and a dollar short, but I did find a two cent's worthy topic for you. =D

Jenners said...

Thankfully I haven't had this experience myself .. but I've had friends who went through it and it is brutal. And I think it is very very hard to save a marriage after infidelity ... the doubt is always there.

Anonymous said...

Acording to my faith, marriage is for life--Good or Bad. Infidelity is a sin, but doesn't change the wedding vows. Does that mean that the wronged individual should just take it? NO!!!
There are consequences. It may mean sleeping seperately, or living seperately. The relationship would never be the same- either stronger (eventually) or forever difficult. Good marriage requires time and effort with a lot of communication! It is a gift of love and devotion.

From the friend perspective, any time a person suffers any difficulty, it is hard on both sides, but a great blessing to both to just have someone there. Many times words are not necessary because no words are adequate, but presence speaks volumes.