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Monday, January 12, 2009

Hugh Jackman VS. Portia

DISCLAIMER:I retain the right to tease, exaggerate, embellish and rant about my own husband's testosterone induced bad behavior. My husband is not perfect but he is perfect for me. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea and think I'm still on the market. So for ALL of you (guys, girls and Hugh Jackman included) who have been searching for a leaking mommy with two kids, dry skin and a lack of will power to shave, I am NOT your girl. Please don't be too disappointed. There are many other sleep deprived, oatmeal crusted moms that would love to meet you. No I will NOT introduce you. You will just have to borrow your niece and hit up playgroup like all the other single guys.
This morning I did NOT think maybe Ellen DeGeneres and Portia are on to something. I did NOT tell my husband, "Babe I will never leave you for another testosterone suffering male but another woman might not be off the table.". What kind of loving wife would say such a thing to her sexy and adoring hubby?
Well....see here is the thing….
Ellen has never had to worry about cleaning up Portia's chest hair. I am certain Portia, even if she had chest hair, would not trim it and then bundle the black curly mess up and tuck it in the corner of the bathroom for safe keeping. A woman would NEVER do this. So, Ellen would not, unknowingly, pick up the neatly and deceptively folded bath towel. She would not swaddle their hypothetical baby in a pile of black and curlies. The baby would not be curly coated, thus negating the whole time and effort just spent bathing the baby. I am positive that when Ellen was working on her Pro&Con list, Hugh Vs Portia, that this scenario made her con list. It may have very well tipped the scales in Portia's favor.

In case you are wondering, I did NOTand have NEVER accidentally curly coated the baby in my husband's chest hair. I would know better and take note that Hugh Jackman/ Wolverine can shave his chest hair in my tub anytime. Now please excuse me while I go rewash the baby.

18 comments:

Midwest Mommy said...

Lol! The disclaimer is great!!!

Sarah said...

=] haha

Happy Monday!

Wayne said...

Great ot me monday. was great reading

Shan said...

Hmmm, has my husband been over there? We dont have chest hair, we have just regular hair. He uses the clippers, and instead of shaking them in the trash, he folds it up an sets it next to the sink. I wear contacts (see where this is going?) Sometimes when I am blindly feeling for a towel, I come across this boobytrapped gift, nothing wakes you quite like freshly shorn hair in the eye. Just one of the many ways men thank us for being women... or something like that!

Jen said...

I am so with you. I totally want a wife! I want the best of both worlds, a wonderful hubby and a wife to do all the stuff that I don't want too.

Cathy said...

That was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!

MammaDucky said...

My best friend and I (Shan on your comments on this very post) often joke about running away together for some of these very same reasons. Thanks for the laugh.

Rachel said...

Ah, the joy of husbands. Mine likes to leave little left over presents from shaving his head with the clippers. Happy Monday!

Kami said...

Oh my word. I may have thrown up a little in my mouth.

:)

Portia it is!

Ashley said...

Too funny, I love the disclaimer!

Megan La Rue said...

I love the disclaimer!!!
=)

Melissa said...

So funny! I needed the laugh this morning. Great post!

Krystyn said...

That is hilarious! I love it.

And, I totally get the chest hair thing. I found one on Nat's face one time...YUCK!!! I guess I can see the appeal on that front, too.

♥Jacqueline♥ said...

Isn't that the truth! LOL Amen Sista!

Pam said...

I'm laughing so hard that I pretty sur that I might have just wet my pants! Love the disclaimer, too.

Laura Ingalls Gunn said...

This made me laugh outloud.

Thank you so much for your advice. I am absolutely going to send out the comment queen award. :)

Sarah said...

Too funny! Sarah tagged you for Show me the Funny over at The Bowl so watch for some more chuckles coming your way!

namaste said...

So, "I blame my mother" posted about this "post" in her blog so I raced over to read it. You are too funny. I totally see your point!