My Gift to You

I will not be sending you a Christmas card, handmade bath scrubs, wax candles, holiday letters or chocolate dipped peppermint sticks. I will not be bringing homemade spinach pinwheels and chocolate dipped fruit to your Christmas party. I will not be posting an adorable family photo here or on Facebook. I will not be doing any of these things because "Jesus is the reason for the season" and Jesus wants the truth. The truth is if I duct tape my family long enough for a family portrait I would have a compulsion to photo shop my under eye circles and crop out the princesses 'snot flicking and THAT would be dishonest. If I would ever get my kitchen clean enough to make fuzz free holiday treats I would probably burn them and then spend time unwrapping store bought treats and repackaging them to look homemade and THAT would be dishonest. If I did attempt to write a holiday letter I would be implying that I really think you care and THAT would be dishonest. If you really cared you would already now all my BS and would not need a damn letter. Normally I would say I couldn't come to your Christmas party because I am a neurotic hot mess who rarely leaves her children with nut jobs posing as loving family and friends. That is the honest truth but I also adore my girls and even my hubby no matter how many times I joke about drinking heavily and self medicating. I don't leave them because I really am crazy but I'm crazy about them also. I know one day my girls will grow up and realize that I am a wack job and will run as far and fast as they can. So until they can drive...or reach the deadbolt I plan on spending as much time as we can as a family. However, I can give you the truth. The truth is I wear close toed shoes in Hawaii because my polish is chipped and my ankles are sporting a little leg hair garland to celebrate the season. There is more food on my floor than my table. The only thing I got hubby for Christmas was a vasectomy pamphlet and a subscription to National Geographic and both of those things are kind of for me. What is it about Christmas that makes us work so hard whipping up the perfection? Is it Jesus? Is it that sneaking suspicion that he might peek in on our unembellished lives and think," Wow I went through that whole birth and suffering on the cross thing for this?" Or do we do it to ourselves? Editing and photo shopping our lives to the point that we become perpetual hoop jumpers? This year let's pour some wine from a box and raise our paper cups to a perfectly flawed holiday season. Cheers!

Coral Cake

Hubby made princess a stunning cake with glowing candy coral by pouring melted sugar over a bucket of ice. It turned out perfect and princess was thrilled. I really don't think there is anything sexier than my man dressed in camo

and coated in powdered sugar.

He doesn't just tolerate our daughters' interest, he embraces them even if it means getting flour on his Army boots.

The best directions for making sugar coral for a candy reef came from Cake Baking Mom and the inspiration came from our oldest daughter's favorite show, Cake Boss. Thank you for making wishes come true!

Intense Video

I've always told hubby that I would never trade him for another man. You just get the same problems, different man. Most of our agreements are testosterone induced. I have an inability to understand his aversion to flushing and he can't grasp my commitment to finding a true waterproof eyeliner. It was comforting to know that if the back hair in the tub ever got too much to take there was always plan B, Lesbianism. Unfortunately the fierce and talented Deborah Vial shattered my plan B with her latest video. Her video is gritty and shows that wether it comes with a vagina or a penis it still comes with problems. Her voice is amazing and it helped me realize if back hair is the worst of my problems I'm in pretty good shape. So enjoy her voice and haunting video while I go scoop the hair out of the tub drain. You probably want to wait until the kids are in bed for this one!!

P.S: If you are easily offended by same sex couples or on-screen passion then watch it with your eyes closed and dig her voice anyway!!!

Gambling on Homeschooling

The bad news is the school in our district is known for homeless flashers on the playground and second graders with the ability to spit in feet, not inches. I had the choice of sending princes to a school that should have pepper spray listed on the school supply list or homeschooling her. The great news is that homeschooling is allowing me to skip those pesky math worksheets and teach her something she can actually use later in life, Texas Hold'em. I'll still break out those boring timed tests but they take a back seat to blackjack. Who needs "greater than" and "less than" in the face of real choices like "stay" and "hit me". I even incorporated it into our weekly spelling lesson with words like push, bust, fold, bluff, double and down. Do you think we could hit up Vegas for a little field trip? We would probably run into less nudity and stealing than at our nearest school playground.

As always I am at least 50% serious 100% of the time.

We're Back!

I went into hiding through most of the deployment. It isn't that joy didn't happen. Our lives did not stop twirling and we even giggled our way through the tough times. The tricky thing about being a military wife is happiness can be guilt coated. It is hard to fully embrace the laughter when every belly laugh is one missed. When it comes down to it moments are best not just lived but shared. Since I couldn't really share those moments with the love of my life I didn't share them with you. I would love to tell you that I made the most of it. The truth is I wallowed in pity for a good portion of the time. We splashed, tickled and cried our way through the year and made it through the deployment one Popsicle at a time. We pushed the sadness back with tootsie rolls, grandparents, caffeine and all access play dough passes. Now we're back together and living life full force. Thank you for your words of encouragement. It was comforting to know that you all were here and just waiting for me to shake the grumpies off and get back to business.

The Shutdown

Since hubby is still deployed and we might not be getting paid I've been racking my brain trying to scrape together some extra cash. Selling my body is off the table. There are just some things that should never be marketed as slightly used. So I thought about selling crack instead but I don't even know what crack looks like so there goes plan B. I guess this is what we get for buying into the whole "defending freedom" crap. If only our family had sought a more reputable profession like extortion, bribery, embezzlement or politics in general we might be getting paid. On the bright side I hear the Taliban is very reasonable and promises not to shoot at anyone who is not getting paid to shoot back. Instead of fighting during the government shutdown everyone is just going to sit down together and drink pina coladas. Drinks will be served in fresh coconuts with little umbrellas printed with pictures of Obama and John Boehner scratching their junk. You can purchase your own drink umbrella by sending exorbitant amounts of money to my PayPal account. Now please excuse me while I break open some Ramen Noodles and collect rain water for the children. They still expect to eat. I'm trying to teach them to survive on air and politicians' excuses but they're still whining.

When I prayed for eight inches I should have been more specific!

Oklahoma is a shaken snow globe and this is the perfect time for snow ice cream!Don't forget to stick a clean container outside to collect snow as it falls. Is it safe to eat snow ice cream? Probably not but it isn't safe to sled, microwave, talk on your cell phone or eat non-organic fruit either.

Simple Snow Ice Cream Recipe:

• 1 gallon snow
• 1 cup white sugar
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
• 2 cups milk

Gourmet Snow Ice Cream Recipe:

• 1 (12 fluid ounce) can condensed milk, (Eagle Brand)
• 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1/4 cup white sugar
• 1 gallon snow

** Mix sugar and milk/eagle brand then chill before drizzling over snow. Or mound snow into cups like snow cones and just drizzle with the milk mixture. I miss Aoki's in Hawaii right now. Our entire front lawn looks like a giant shaved iced.

Recipe for a Natural Glow

I have never seen winter skin and chapped lips look so good! I'm going to start trying my daughters' recipe for a glowing complexion. I'm tossing my bronzer, blush and foundation for snowballs and dirt. I'm trading my make-up routine for snow angels and freeze tag. I'm tossing the lip plumper and just licking my lips while facing into the wind!