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Monday, March 2, 2009

Amusement Park Me!!

I did NOT delicately and with the utmost care "fart scent" the grocery store. My daughter did NOT scream "Who tooted?! Mom!!! THAT smells like a Mommy toot!!" I did NOT try to blame it on the baby. My daughter did NOT get even louder and more persistent that it smelled like a "Mommy Toot, not a Baby Sister Toot". The man behind us did NOT nearly knock over the cheez-its display in a fit of hysterical laughter. Crop dusting the grocery store would be the sign that my last shred of femininity is now severed and gone forever. It would also mean I am slowly losing control of the one of the few body functions that was once in my complete power. So that was simply NOT me.
I would like to take a moment to apologize to all Foodland employees and customers on or around aisles one through three.
And now I must break down and admit that my body is one malfunction away from amusement park status. I am the proud owner of…
The Tilted Uterus: This ride just isn't as fun as the name implies.
Hypothyroid: A slow sluggish ride known to induce severe brain fuzz
Hemorrhoid: You won't find this on Space Mountain.
The Plummet Summit: Gravity sucks!
The Varicose Vein: Reminiscent of a garden maze without the manicured lawns.
The Jiggler: Great fun for the kids.
and of course...
The Flying Flatulence: Silent but deadly and not for the weak of heart.
THE MENOPAUSE: Completion date for this ride is unknown but the ride will boast genuine hot flashes and unanticipated mood swings.
All rides combine the very best of both Disney World and Six Flags minus all of the magic, fun and thrills .
Inspired by "Not Me! Monday" hosted by MckMama.

128 comments:

The Blonde Duck said...

That is a great way to start Monday after reading this. Loved it!

Idabel Oklahoma said...

Your not a real mommy till your child shouts to the world you farted. Mine was in Piggly Wiggly. (remember those) My daughter was 3, she walked up behind me and said "MOMMA YOUR BUTT STINKS LIKE FARTS! MOMMA DID YOU HEAR ME? YOU NEED TO WIPE YOUR BUTT NEXT TIME YOU GO POTTY!"

Jazz

annie kelleher said...

you are too funny!!! once we were all in a blockbuster store and my then husband let loose one that would've gassed small animals in a confined space. fortunately, i was standing several rows away - it was really loud, too - so i was able to escape to the car pretending i didn't know who he was.

Brittany Ann said...

Oh, this was too good! Glad I'm not the only who feels like a Tilted Uterus is like a bad version of the Tilta-Whirl!

mommaof4wife2r said...

love it! the mommy fart is cracking me up...and even more so bc my b-ster def has yelled that before!!

Hillbilly Duhn said...

LOL! When my oldest son was around four or five, we went down the pad/tampon aisle and there was a lady stocking them, he looked about him and starts yelling, "MOM! PADS! LOOK! There are pad, Mom, pads, pads, pads, you use pads! Pads Pads Pads."

To say the least, the lady who was in the aisle had to go away, cause she couldn't stop laughing...

I too am the proud owner of the tilted uterus, homeorrhoid and flatulence. Isn't it fun!!

♥ Kathy said...

I have a big bruise on my not-so-teenage hiney now..thanks a lot..I fell out of the chair laughing so hard!! LOL Bless your heart, don't feel bad..I'm right there with you on several of those "issues" HAHAHA :)

Amy said...

What a great NOT ME MONDAY! You had me laughing and rolling. So did the new baby give you the tilted uterus or have you always had that? My friend was the same way. She had a cute little boy. Have a great day. Jump out in the sun for me today.

Midlife, menopause, mistakes and random stuff... said...

That is just priceless TuTu's Bliss!! I am reminded of two saying that I used to utter frequently when our kiddos were wee.....
"Having children is sort of like having your eye's pecked out by angry chickens" AND "Kids are like having a bowling alley installed inside your brain".....:)
Dropping by your blog to see and hear the exploits of your your kiddos brings back so many lovely memories.
Thanks for once again making me smile :)

Steady On
Reggie Girl

ImakehairROCK4u2 said...

I did NOT pee in my pants a little laughing at your post! lol

Funny in my mind said...

I have been to that park and never rode the hemmoroid but the others I have been riding since I squeezed out a 9 pound kid.
My 2 cents?
With teens, choose your battles

purejoy said...

oh, goodness. i really did LOL!! i had a mommy fart moment in line at a nice department store. my tired child was waiting patiently, resting her head on my hip, when she looked up and exclaimed, "momma, you pootered in my ear!"
of course it was at the top of her lungs, and the clerk about hemmoraghed trying to stifle her laughter.
i was about to cry. laughing now, but at the time, i wanted to crawl into the cave of dead animal i had just come out of.
thanks for the post!

Sassypants Wifey said...

Oh man, aint it the truth! I honestly am not sure what other fun rides will appear when we decide its time for another baby... My daughters shining moment is usually in church. I was taking her out to the potty one day, which is wonderfully right outside the doorway of the main area, she provided commentary of not only her going potty, but everyone else who was in there, nice kid...

My two cents is that it is way easier to give an opinion to someone when its not your kids. Ie; my mom. She gives me all kinds of opinions even though she didn't follow the advice herself. MIL is no different either, she ALWAYS seems to know what I "should" be doing differently.

namaste said...

Oh my gosh, kids!!!! Why must they call us out like that! You have me dying here.... laughing in my cubicle, trying not to pee myself (one of my lovely rides). Thank you! I'm just so happy to not be alone!!!!

Krystyn said...

If I had an award to give you, I totally would...because, seriously, that is THE BEST not me post, EVER!

And, the amusement park part...even better!

Missouri Musings said...

O.M.G. That story just made my day. Kids say the darndest things, huh?

Also, I have info about a great deal on Nordstrom makeup at my blog that I think you and a lot of your readers would be interested in. It's not a giveaway, but it may as well be! Everything for $1!

blueviolet said...

How do kids know our toot scents? It's the craziest thing! Honesty is totally overrated in our children. Why do we train them up that way because it comes back and bites us in the gassy ass? We need to start over and work on lies and deception! ;)

Amy said...

Just stopping by to say that yes my dog Timmy is a Husky. He is a wonderful part of my family.

Amy said...

OMG your post has me cracking up.

Bridget said...

OMG, too funny!!! I laughed so hard I snorted!

Corey~living and loving said...

LOL Thank you! that was the giggle I needed. :)

you are not alone. LOL

Yaya said...

Oh my gosh, 'that smells like a mommy toot' hahahaha!

Whispering Writer said...

So funny! Don't you just love kids and their honesty?
I'm not even sure how I stumbled upon your blog, but I will sure be back!

Sarah said...

With your permission Jen, this is totally going to be the headline post for Show me the Funny on Thursday. Theme - bathroom humor but the fact that it happened no where near the bathroom makes it so completely fitting! You Rock!

Kim said...

LMAO...how did I miss this post yesterday? I have been on all the rides you mentioned in your amusement park. I particularly enjoy when I sneeze and let loose a loud one before I can lock it up.

So Not Mom-a-licious said...

Holy Sh*t to Shinolah! I've so been on those rides. Except for the FLyinf Flatulence. However, when you start to poo with the bathroom door open AND hold a conversation with another adult (and it may or may not be your spouse) call me. Femininity and obviously any sense of pride or self-respect have been wasted on me for almost two years now. Does that make me a dude now?

Mama Mel said...

OMG! Sooo funny! :)

Melanie said...

hilarious!!

Carolyn said...

You made me laugh out loud! Thanks for making me smile!

The Un-Organized Mom said...

Oh my goodness...I will be 39 on Wednesday and this seriously should be the theme for my birthday party!!! Printed on programs for all to see!!

HILARIOUS!!! Thanks for making me laugh so hard I wet my pants...and possibly farted at the same time....

{leah} said...

At least I'm not the only one!!!

I can usually still get away with blaming one of the boys... but I also try to walk away quickly and let the randome stragers try to figure out which one of them was the culprit.

Xazmin said...

Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh! I love that your little one can tell the difference between the various "toots"!

MrsM said...

Hubby works at a grocery store and let me tell you-you are NOT the only one NOT dusting the isles with your magic smells. Hubby has been standing right next to people when they just let it fly...and then when he gives them the WTH eyebrow they just pretend they don't know what happened.

Most people don't have little kids with them to keep them honest!

cat said...

Oh girl, this is seriously funny! I have a few of those rides as well. Happy SITS day!

Lisa said...

HAHA, love it! What a cute memory. Kids can be so funny! :)

blueviolet said...

That was hilarious. Probably more so for me than for you. Although I admit that I unfortunately share some of those characteristics with you. :(

parentingBYdummies said...

Hilarious! Good thing about having boys is that 9/10 it was them so there is ALWAYS someone to blame it on:)

Rabacal said...

Hilarious!

K said...

My son just recently started calling out "toots" too. It's going to end badly.

meandtheblueskies said...

Ah, out of the mouths of Babes! Enjoy your SITS day!

Pam said...

Visiting from SITS. I'm guilty of Mommy Toots in inappropriate places as well. My girls are old enough now to know to keep quiet about it. LOL!

Becky @ Our Sweet Peas said...

I love the "last shred of femininity" line. I feel your pain! This is a hysterical post.

Mommys Online Garage Sale said...

Hysterical!

Becky said...

Lol, this cracked me up!! Especially the farting...

mommytoalot said...

LMAO great post!!

The Mrs. said...

That is hilarious!! And guess what, I have a Tilted Uterus too!!! Oh, joy.

Amanda @ Serenity Now said...

Good post!! :) Made me laugh!!

Melissa said...

LOL I'm on a few of those rides with you. Have fun!

Tara said...

LOL!!!!!!!! i can't stop laughing....this is just too funny!

Robin said...

LOL.....funny....

Jacky said...

Gracious goodness that's funny! =)

Happy SITS Day!

Robbie S. Redmon, LPC said...

Too funny!

Mighty M said...

Love this post!!! :-)

Elizabeth said...

Too funny - I totally needed this laugh, so thank you!

Ashley said...

HAPPY SITS DAY!
That's so friggin hilarious - a great way to start my Tuesday. I've got my own Gravity Galactica going on, so I'm right there with ya!

Have a great day!

Yankee Girl said...

So funny! I hear hemmoriods happen after you have kids...I'm trying not to let that keep me from reproducing!

Good luck!

Mountain Mama said...

You forget about the Sneeze 'n Pee. It's like the log ride.

Laura said...

Well I have the hypothyroid & the jiggler. (Would love to get rid of the jiggler too.)

glenna said...

Funny funny funny! You are going to get billions of blog followers with this one!!!
Thanks for showing us how to laugh at...uh...LIFE.

Rebecca is Thrilled by the Thought said...

Hilarious! Good thing you have such a humorous outlook!

Angel said...

This was sooo funny,

stopping by from SITS to say hi

Connie Weiss said...

LOL! That's great! We call it FOOPING!

Life of a Stepmama said...

I can not stop laughing!! Your post was hilarious, we all have those moments!! Thanks for making me smile today, happy SITS day!!!!

Mariah said...

Mommy farts...the best. Happy SITS day lady

T~T said...

very funny

smitten by britain said...

Very funny and we can all relate.

Reluctant Housewife said...

So funny! We all fart. Never forget that!

B.o.B. said...

Too funny!

Happy SITS Day!

Single Mama NYC said...

Oh boy, this is what I have to look forward too??? LOL!

Little Miss Baker said...

haha how funny!! Happy SITS Day!!

Joy said...

OMG, some things you just have to laugh about, LOL!

Congrats on your SITS day!

2 Little Irish Boys said...

Super funny! Glad I stopped by from SITS for a laugh1

Stereos and Souffles said...

Your daughter outed you! So funny, Happy SITS Day!

Anita said...

OMG, great post! Kids sell us out.......ALL.THE.TIME!
Happy SITS day for you.
I'm on that big Menopause ride now.........and it sucks, because guess what, you get the full amusement park experience before it.....yes on varying levels, but I have most of those.....ugh!

Danielle (Life with the Hewitt Family) said...

Stopping by from SITS.

So funny! My husband is always blaming me for HIS nasty farts when we are in public...I get so embarassed!

Tonya said...

Classic! So funny! Laughing to myself at work!!!

Amy said...

Wow! I love it! I have never thought of life like that, but you certainly have a way of putting it. At least we can laugh at ourselves, right?

Mommy of Many said...

This is sooo funny! My hubby and I were just laughing at an older lady in our church who farted loudly, and sat there looking like she didn't hear it. My daughter says very loudly, Ms. ***** farted mommy. Oh, it stinks!

Controlling My Chaos said...

So THAT'S what's going on. I don't remember paying an entrance fee.

Jessica said...

If you're not kept honest by a little loud mouth daughter, then who will?

Hilarious.

Don't worry, you have years ahead of you to torture a teenage daughter!

RE: your "rides": you should demand your money back from the ticket counter!

Shannon said...

That was hilarious. I even called my husband at work to tell him about it - lol! Thanks for sharing :)

Superjaxster said...

Hahaha! I can totally see this happening when we have kids! HA!

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

ROFL! Hilarious! Unfortunately, we have a lot of those rides at our house too! :) Stopping by from SITS to say hi!

Annikke said...

That is about the funniest thing I've read in awhile!

Mammatalk said...

Truly hysterical.

Pricilla said...

Kids can be devastating. How funny.
Happy SITS day!

makeitworkmom said...

Kids say the darndest! They definitely help keep our humility in check! :)

Creative Junkie said...

ROTF! I believe we have a similar amusement park around these parts.

Bella Crafts said...

Just too, too funny! I'll leave my comment and continue with my laughing! :)

Brandy said...

LOL! Isn't aging grand?!

Jackie said...

absolutely hysterical!!!!

C. Beth said...

Oh, man--love this! We had a similar experience, also at a grocery store, last year.

Mary at My New 30 said...

Oh this is much too hilarious!

Happy SITS Day!

Marrdy said...

WHAT? No night sweats? The right that has you flinging bedsheets to the four corners of the world. You may be a little too young for this ride....give yourself 30 years and then join the fun!!

Lisa said...

OMG!! That is so funny! Ahhhh...motherhood...ain't it grand?

Karyn said...

Oh Hilarious! This is awesome! And as moms, have we not all been there?!?!

Chrissy said...

Too funny:) Enjoy your FB day.

Mimi said...

Out of the mouth of babes! lol

Lady Mama said...

I laughed outloud reading this. Too funny.

court*knee said...

Adding this to one of the reasons why I might never have kids. Telling on you for farting in the store? Heck no! You're right, the right to toot in public is yours and you can hide it...until children. I remember as a kid with my mom in the grocery store. She was buying toilet paper and I yelled "mommy, is that what you use to wipe your butt with?" I'm 27 and she might still have some resentment from that.

Tranquility said...

Hmm... I'm not so sure that's a park I want to visit. ;)

Holly Noelle @ Domestic Dork said...

HA HA HA! Looooove it! Great post! Very honest and very funny!

Mama Kat said...

Oh my gosh, how many of us has this happened to!?!!?!

Anybody??

Anybody??

I mean, I know...me neither. Hilarious!!!

piecemeal people said...

I think we've all blamed it on the baby at one point or another...

Mira is triplet crown said...

Oh I'm not looking forward to this stage. I'll have three tattle tales yelling out my misdeeds. ugh.

Zeemaid said...

hey who wants to admit that they made that smell... best not to say a thing and wander on or look suggestively at the guy in front of you.... must have been him... *LOL*

MochaTrina said...

Very creative. My kids always do that to me even when I am not guilty.

Dee said...

Oh Lord. Losing control and loving it.

Cher said...

oh that is just too funny! Seriously..fall off my chair funny! I'm late from SITS...but so glad I stopped by! Congrats on being FB!

Amy said...

Love it! Don't you just love our kids for making those situations just that much worse. They just have to point it out. Too funny. Thanks for sharing - I needed a laugh today.

Jaime said...

Oh the menopause. Bleh!

lynn said...

Happy SITS day! Such a funny post!

Janna Bee said...

Dude, I hat that ride Plummet Summit. I surely did NOT say I wanted to go on THAT ride when I had kids!

Hahaha, you made me laugh at myself! Great post and SOOO true!

Aubrey said...

HILARIOUS!

Oh. I can't stop laughing!!!

This was too funny!

aforestfrolic said...

Again, hilarious! Crop dusting is one of our fav's around here...uh, the word that is ;-) How about over the weekend I took my 4 year old to the public bathroom and the lady next to us 'tooted' so loud it shook the stall and my daughter screams...'Moooom!' I had to quietly tell her shhhh, shhhh, be quiet...and that wasn't mommy, tee hee.

Jamie :)

mommy4life said...

Hilarious and a little depressing! I see myself in these!

Cole said...

Happy SITS Day!!

You are too funny. :-)

Vickie said...

Oh goodness, that was funny! My daughter will look at me and point to my butt and say "Yucky Mommy!"

greedygrace said...

LOL!!! Too funny!

Lindsey said...

LOL!! Late SITS post, but oh my gosh, too funny!

Yaya said...

Too funny!

Alicia said...

oh my gosh that was hilarious!! and who doesn't try and pawn one off on the kids every once in a while?!

Rbarakat said...

Totally hilarious!

Charmaine @ randalswife said...

Hey, I am right there with you! Getting older sucks!

Sophia's Mom said...

HA HA HA!!!
Too funny!

Rachael said...

Oh my gosh, so funny! Happy SITS day!

Jessica said...

Cute post! Happy SITS- sorry so late!

Days of Whine & Noses said...

kids say the darnest things!

visiting from SITS!