Linoleum Crocodiles and Magic Stains

Our kitchen has been taken over by a nest of angry crocodiles. I leap over them to get the chocolate milk, the pretzels and the strawberries. Sometimes I forget they're there. My five year old wrestles them to the ground and ties them to the handle of the fridge door with pink ribbon. She is very fierce. She is unafraid of them flipping and flopping on our linoleum floors. She saves me from their snapping jaws and toxic glitter breath. Linoleum crocodiles release poisonous glitter infused gases or so I've been told. In between crocodile wrangling she has trained her baby sister to fart on command. They are both so proud of their stinky little show and serve me "popcorn" scooped from the kitty dish during intermission.

What would my life have been like if I had chosen a child free path?

I imagine it would be full of long vacations, hardwood floors, expensive breakables and literary novels. All that money saved on diapers and college savings would translate into spa days and no roots. I would have a large spacious home filled to the brim with silk blouses, four inch heels and things that stain. There would be no room in my adult sanctuary left for crocodiles and guard dragons. What would have happened to all the purple mongooses of the world then?

My life is magic stained. I will probably spend this birthday mermaid hunting and cleaning up after the sneaky purple mongoose who likes to paint the fridge with pudding when no one is looking. I will fall asleep knowing that a pink dragon is keeping us safe and that the fire breathing horses that pull our Honda are sound asleep. I will be thankful that the "popcorn" comes from the kitty's dish instead of her litter box.